You'll Shoot Your Kidney Out: Watching "A Christmas Story" With a Case of Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

A Christmas Story has gone down in history as one of this season's classic gems. The film has touched the hearts of so many since its release in 1983. Thousands of families surely have yearly traditions that include watching this film. (My family's yearly film happens to be Christmas Vacation.) The story of Ralphie Parker and his never-ending quest to convince anyone who will listen that the greatest gift of all this year is the Red Ryder BB gun is something every one can understand during the holiday season.



"You'll shoot your eye out!"

Is the response he gets from everyone he asks: his mother, his teacher, even Santa! How dare they keep this child from arguably the best gift he could possibly ask for.



Okay, full honesty time. I remember really disliking this film when I was a kid. I just didn’t get the humor. A Christmas Story is very dry and witty and in my youth I was into more overt comedy like Three Stooges or classic Looney Tunes. It wasn’t until my teens that I really started digging the gags and the realistic yet constantly funny look at childhood presented in the film. Ralphie Parker reminded me of myself. In fact, he’s every child at Christmas!


The older you get, the more this film improves. It really is a Christmas classic that perfectly encapsulates the feelings we all had as a child: the excitement of opening your presents and the hope that it was what you asked Santa for that year. Sometimes we got exactly what we asked for. Other times we got gifts we hated. Usually clothes, like socks. Which of course we covet as we get older. It's wonderful to think back to that innocent time before we had to deal with things like bills or car insurance. I would give anything to go back to the year 2000, and experience that carefree life yet again, even if I still had to put up with a white box or two.


Ralphie had his bunny pjs, I had the dreaded white box!


What child wants to unwrap a present and see THIS?! Nothing good ever came in a white box like this. Only clothes. Who wants clothes?! I wanted gifts! And to a little kid, the term "gift" only meant one thing:


TOYS!

But as you get older, the toys change. And as a man who enjoys a good beer, I felt like little Ralphie discovering that Red Ryder BB gun under the tree on Christmas morning when I first tried Karbach's Yule Shoot Your Eye Out. Each year, Karbach releases this delicious seasonal beer which, as you can see, has been inspired by the film A Christmas Story. This delectable little beverage has notes of caramel, cocoa and citrus. It's become one of my favorite beers for its smooth finish and perfect holiday taste.



And so this year I decided to combine these two loves of mine, and watch A Christmas Story while downing some liquid gold inspired by the Old Man’s Major Award. What follows are the notes resulting from that adventure. The more I watched, the more I drank. And the more I drank, the less legible my words became. Of course this opening explanation, the conclusion, and the addition of screenshots and gifs came at a later, more sober point. But I took care not to correct any spelling or grammar errors in the body of this article in an attempt to maintain the integrity of the experience. I hope you enjoy.


(Pictured above: not my dog)



So, is the movie ready to play? Have you got your seasonal beer? Perhaps with your favorite furry friend to snuggle with by the warm fire?


Alright then, let's start the movie!


CHEERS!

Red Ryder is such an old school American mascot. The manly cowboy who shoots first and asks questions later. A lot of folks would say that type of role mode is out of date, but this film so perfectly captures how a kid looks up to fictional characters like that.



Love the brothers fighting.



You seriously named your kids Ralphie and Randy. Ouch. Classic.



I completely forgot about Ralphie thinking he’s so clever by putting the BB gun ad in his mom’s magazine. Yeah mom’s not gonna find it odd that there is a full color page in a completely black and white magazine. Nothing suspicious about that. Totally normal.


The dad gets funnier the older you get. How the hell does the mom know the horse is named Victor? Who the Hell is Victor?


Ralphie just told them about bears thinking it'll get them to think about a BB gun.


And here is the first mention of THE DREADED FURNACE!


We also have the first of Ralphie's requests for the Red Ryder BB gun. How do you think that goes over with mom?



"You'll shoot your eye out!"



Pretty sure every single parent ever had told their kids “there’s starving people in China” in an attempt to get their kids to eat their food.


Ralphie’s fantasy about taking out Black Bart is wonderful. He even has the chew!


Good luck getting away with that joke now.



This child just fantasized about murdering people. Nice.



The Xs on the eyes really let me know those fantasy burglars are dead. Thanks for the clarification.


When dad shushes the house to hear the furnace…. the tapestry of curses that hangs over Michigan can’t be beat.