With Halloween approaching, those of us who are currently attempting to overcome the true horrors of adulthood are reminded of simpler times. You start thinking about your favorite costumes (mine was Goku), those bags filled with candy you’d finish within the week, that creepy neighbor’s house everyone would avoid Trick or Treating at because he was surely an axe murderer. Good times, right? Then there are those memories you hoped you’d one day forget. You may get a good laugh at them now, but you’ll always remember the characters that scared the living sh*t out of you as a kid. Here’s my list of scaries…
Now that I know I could punt this little bastard about 50 yards, I am no longer living in fear. 7 year old Spencer wasn’t so fortunate. I still remember the afternoon I stumbled upon a commercial for ‘Bride of Chucky’. The first glimpse of his mangled, poorly sewed up face, and that grin...it was enough to have me checking my closet for months. The worst part about it was that this film was being heavily promoted at the time. I couldn’t escape his evil gaze - it was on buses, billboards, they were selling him in stores! They still do, and a part of me thinks this is a risk we don’t need to take...you never know. Anyway, it is a relief to have overcome my fear of dolls possessing the souls of psychopathic serial killers.
The CryptKeeper | Tales From the Crypt
Listen, tell all the jokes you want, make a rap video, whatever, you’re still a talking decaying corpse and that’s just not fun for a kid, dammit! I hate this guy, but I hate myself more because I’m pretty sure I’d sneak watch this show when I was supposed to be sleeping or just, hands over face, watch it through my fingers while adults were in the room. You know you’ve made a lasting impact on someone when you only show up at the beginning and end of each episode, yet somehow make them regret ever watching television.
I can still hear his laugh...
(Large monkeys in general at one point) | Wizard of Oz
"FLY, MY PRETTIES, FLY!" Yes, this seems like a strange one, but I went through a phase during my youth when I was absolutely terrified of monkeys. To the point where I would wake up screaming that they were everywhere and coming to get me. I’m not entirely sure about the source of this trauma, but I still get uncomfortable thinking about flying primates, so I blame The Wicked Witch of the West.
This Boogeyman Dude| Don’t Look Under The Bed
This was, and still is, one of my favorite Disney Channel originals. The movie itself isn’t scary, it’s this one moment (featured in gif above) that sends chills down my spine. Don’t look under the bed? Noted, in fact, I’ll take the couch tonight. Kids, never stop believing in your imaginary friend, or they’ll turn into a carnivorous monster and rip your face off.
The Alien That Crashes The Birthday Party | Signs
Simply known as ‘The Birthday Party Scene’. Why I decided to go see this film at age 11 or 12, I don’t know, but I closed my eyes for the last hour or so and didn’t see it in its entirety until high school. I honestly believe that this was one of the most terrifying 2 seconds of my life. Yeah I go to sleep with a bottle of water next to my bed…I get thirsty that’s ALL!
The Demon That Likes Throwing Around Pots And Pans And Watching People Sleep | Paranormal Activity
This came out when I was a teenager, but it was still deeply unsettling at the time. The film’s style gave you that “this could happen to me” feeling and caused a lot of sleepless nights. Now, it sort of plays like a comedy. The first night I catch you out of bed staring at me while I’m sleeping, I’m moving out.
Martians | Mars Attacks!
Aliens just don’t sit right with me. These brain headed extraterrestrials really spooked me for a bit. Another one of those films I watched nervously in the background while the adults laughed. I don’t even remember what happens in this movie, I just wasn’t a fan of those guys. Wait…Jack Nicholson is in this? Hold on…this is a fu**king comedy?
Random documentary about “The Elephant Man” I watched with my Grandparents when I was 9. Nightmares for weeks.
Those Aliens again | The Fourth Kind
Saw this in college. I don’t even want to talk about it…