Did you know that Valentine's day was named after two men of the same name who were brutally executed together by the Romans on Feb 14th? Did you know that St. Valentine is the patron saint of epilepsy? Despite the Hallmark imagery of flowers and candy, Valentine's Day origins are as dark as they come. In honor of this holiday's rotten roots, here are some of the most cursed first dates.
A Double Date With Your Ex and Their New Beau
It seemed like a good idea when they proposed it. A chance to bury the proverbial hatchet and gain some closure in one go. But, now you're sitting at a restaurant you can't afford with two people you don't know at all, one you know way too well, and way too many sharp knives within arm's reach.
The Backyard Sinkhole
The picnic basket and checkered blanket you brought with you does nothing to quell the feeling of doom that sits deep within your stomach. You're not sure why you picked this spot...you're not even sure how you got here....but the voices calling your name from the depths may have something to do with it.
Dinner With Your Mom and New Step-Dad
You really thought you'd wow your new potential partner with a wholesome family evening. But, your Mom's latest fling, Ralph decided tonight was the opportunity he was looking for to sell you on his business plan to sell timeshares in Ibiza to the elderly. Meanwhile, Mom's too busy crying over the burnt casserole to notice that your date's buried themselves in their phone in a desperate attempt to distract themselves from The Mysterious Foul Smell...where the hell is it coming from?
Your Local Book Club
Intelligence is one hell of an aphrodisiac. At least that's what you thought before you dragged your unwitting date into the musty basement of your local library and a 4 hour long argument with a homeless man over what he claims are strong sexual undertones in The Old Man and the Sea.
You knew better than to go up there. What were you thinking? You should've just had a lovely picnic at the sink-hole but nooooo...you just had to go in the attic. And now you can never leave...well, at least you have company.